Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Today is my one year anniversary as a flight attendant. I've had my share of ups and downs, mostly ups though.

Surprisingly, almost half of my classmates from training have already quit. I guess the living out of your suitcase and being a slave isn't for everyone.

I can never say never, but I don't think I would ever quit this job, and if I did, I am sure I would be quite sorry.

Last week we had a snowstorm and I was cursing scheduling for sending me out on a trip. I had to drive 75 miles at 1:30 in the morning, only to spin out and end up in the grass in the middle of the freeway. My dearest Fredi was kind enough to drive me to work.

I couldn't believe we were still alive when the car stopped spinning. We were so thankful that a tractor trailer didn't hit us. We dredged on and I made it to work without a scratch.

Then a few hours later I was in the Dominican Republic with the sun shining on my face, in the 80 degree weather, and the morning stress disappeared.

I am so close to no longer being a slave. I am about two months away within the company that I no longer will be the property of scheduling. I am chomping at the bit to have a normal life, well as normal as it can be for a flight attendant.

No more being at the mercy of scheduling! I can go where I want when I want, and no one will decide my geograpic location except myself. I will no longer have to wait for the phone to ring in the middle of the night for my next assignment. Scheduling also controls how much money you can make. They level you after a certain number of hours so you cannot control your paycheck.

I know that may all sound like rambling, but I am very excited to be set free. I've had a beautiful year, and I am not bitter like many others. So here I will be soon, still a flight attendant, but in control of my own schedule. This is where I have my dream sequence. I'm picturing myself on the beach back in Mexico and getting paid to snorkel. Ahh...

I check my schedule and I see Caracas, Venezuela. That would be cool and all to go there but, its a turn. My flight leaves at midnight and returns the next day at noon!

I will fly all night, drop off passengers, pick up more and fly back. Kind of rough, but I was well rested.

As I went outside to head to the airport, I noticed it was raining, HARD!

I'm thinking turbulence and delays. I had to stop for fuel on my way to work. I went into the mini market to buy some mints and BOOM! I fall flat on my face, bust open my lip, and my dress ends up around my waist. I was wearing three inch heels, one foot went one way, one foot went the other.

So I'm laying on the floor of a crowded mini market, bleeding as I struggle to cover my backside gracefully. I look up, and there is the bright yellow sign. Cuidado! Piso Mojado. Ah snap, I missed the warning of the wet floor.

People are staring, and asking if I'm OK. I rush into the ladies room and see blood running down my lip. I straighten my hair, smooth out my uniform, wipe the blood from my lip, and hold my head high to go buy those mints.

As I'm standing in line I'm trying not to make eye contact with any of the customers. It's bad enough being in a public place in uniform, let alone after everyone has seen what's underneath it!

The rest of the trip went pretty smooth, it was all uphill from there.

Being low on the seniority totem pole, I was stuck working Christmas. By having some seniority, I did get off most of Christmas Eve, and I didn't have to check in until 1445 on Christmas. Fredi and I made Christmas dinner real early and we got to eat our Christmas Brunch before I left for the airport.
It was just going to be a simple Fort Myers turn. Fly 118 people down there, pick up 47 and fly back. Sounds simple right?

Everything was smooth, until "SHE" got on the plane. This woman boarded the plane with an attitude. She was looking to pick a fight with someone. That someone turned out to be me. I was the one in the back galley closest to her seat. Lucky me.

The first thing that happened was she got irritated that I couldn't pick up her trash right away, because I was busy waiting on other customers. After that, she threw her trash in my galley and yelled at me. OK, now I'm thinking this woman is crazy. I just let it roll off my back. She must just have forgotten her Prozac.

The next thing, she stuck her foot out in the isle to trip me. I saw it, and asked her to move it politely three times, she ignored me. I climbed over her leg with a number of drinks in my hand. At this point I'm trying to think in my mind, how I can make this funny? I realize she is probably just jealous.

Then she came into my galley to ask for a spoon, when I told her I didn't have one, she mocked me. I told her maybe they have some in the front. Then this miserable human being ran up to first class to get a spoon, and came back to my galley shaking the spoon in my face yelling and contorting her face "WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT IS THIS?!" At first I thought, "I don't know, a lunatic shaking a spoon?" But I decided to say just "A spoon." She yelled "I want your name, you couldn't be bothered to get one for me." I said, "Lady, you need to get out of my galley right now and go sit down. You have been making trouble since you got on this aircraft, and I don't want to see your face again, shut your mouth and get out of here."

She stomped up to first class to tattle on me. The first class flight attendant let her know, if she had one more outburst, we would have security meet the flight.

The other two flight attendants in my galley just stood there open mouthed. One said, "You've got balls". I said, "I just told her like it is, I'm not afraid of her, and she needs to check herself, or security will meet this flight and she will be arrested. She's lucky I didn't handcuff her to her seat."

I know I always say this, but it just amazes me how important some people think they are. My dog acts better than she does. I'm not that important, I know that. I call it like I see it, smile, and continue to have a Merry Christmas.

I don't like confrontation, but that doesn't mean I'm a pushover. The look on her face when I laid it out to her was priceless. I finally found the humor in the situation.

When I count my Christmas Blessings, not having her as a relative, is right there on the top of my list.

Merry Christmas!

So I'm on my way to Phoenix last night, and the turbulence is out of control. A customer who refused to sit down after repeated announcements falls flat on her face on the way to the restroom. Don't say I didn't tell ya.

So here I am sick from turbulence, and we are in between services. I know in five minutes I have to take the beverage cart out again so I'm stuffing my face full of Chicken trying to feel better. We got a break in the bumps so me and Santa roll out the cart out to pour some drinks.

After the service I go into the restroom to wash my hands and reapply my lipstick. I look into the mirror and I've got mayonnaise all over my face. Cute, princess. Note to self, don't go into the isle without checking a mirror.

At first, I thought my crew was a bit dull, turns out they were just tired. Oh how wrong I was. The lead flight attend he looks just like Santa Clause. He dresses like him too to make the kids smile. He's got the glasses, the Santa hat, suspenders, and a Christmas tie. His card even has his picture with him as Santa on it. I'm going to scan it and post it here when I get home this weekend.

The first class flight attendant, she is a designer of gorgeous leather bags. I'm looking at hers drooling, because I'm a bag lady. I love them. The only thing I like more than bags is shoes.

Another flight attendant I met last time I went to Las Vegas. She is a jewelry designer. She flys all over the world scouting precious and semi-precious jewels for her jewelry. She designed a wrist cuff for Chris Angle at the request of his sylist. I'm starting a collection of her jewelry. She met me in Cleveland the day before to bring me a necklace I just had to have.

I have to keep reminding myself, there are some really fabulous people out there. I need to stop forming an impression before I know the facts.

I was doing my airport appreciation again, and with who else but that ridiculious flight attendant I met last week. Ridiculious is a good way...

We found out we have something in common. Both of our Mothers have had so much plastic surgery! We kept laughing saying, "My Mother had this done", then the other person would say, "So did mine!" And we would laugh and laugh.

His Mother lives in Brazil, so I guess it's more accessable there than Pennsylvania. Reguardless, I do think my Mother has had the most work done.

I probably would never get any plastic surgery. I would prefer to spend the money on a personal trainer and a nutrtionist than to get lipo suction or a tummy tuck.

My Mother is so vain, but I guess I should thank her that my ears don't stick out. She used to tape them back to the sides of my head when I was a baby. They don't stick out anymore. My brothers ears do, but he didn't have his ears taped back.

I think face lifts look too tight, and fake breasts look to hard. Ashlee Simpson sure looks pretty with her new nose, but I don't think I could ever put myself in the position where I would allow a person to mess with my looks. Well, maybe if it were Michelangelo, but he's dead.

Yesterday, I had to sit at the airport, waiting to be assigned a trip. I was hoping they wouldn't call me. Actually I was praying. I wanted the weekend off. Everytime the phone rang, I held my breath hoping that my name wasn't called.

After three hours, about fifteen of the twenty flight attendants waiting were called out, Florida, Ireland, Paris, Tel Aviv, any other time, it could have been exciting but I didn't want to fly. There were only five of us left for the rest of the night.

Things were starting to get quiet, and this male flight attendant whom I've never met says to me, "Do you think that the alter boys who didn't get molested think, is there something wrong with me? Why didn't the priest ask me to dig a lollipop out of his pocket?"

After I heard that, I was all ears, finally someone who is as ridiculous as I am. For the record, I told him, "No I don't think the altar boys did develop a complex."

They were fumigating our crew room, and we had to leave and go to operations. That was pretty cool. What a beautiful view of the city. We were up in the tower, watching the planes land. They didn't end up needing us, so we were able to go home.

That was a good waste of four hours. Hopefully one day I will get to fly with that ridiculous guy.

Yesterday was a hideously long day. It started when I checked in at at the duty desk at 7:45 in the morning, and I wasn't finished until late that night.

Days like that, I'm thankful I'm not one of those flight attendants that work alone.

A first class passenger got out of his seat when we were taxing, because he wanted to use the bathroom. Me, I would say to him, I need you to take your seat. If he didn't, I would let him use the bathroom but I would call the captain to stop the plane. I don't get in the way of a person and a lavatory.

Well, the lead flight attendant, I'm going to call her "T" she was strict! She told the guy to "PLEASE take your seat!" His wife said, "He needs a drink of water", and T said, "I will get him a drink of water if he just sits down! We are on an active taxi way." I'm watching, thinking, he better sit down before she gives him a smack down. His wife then says, "He needs a sick bag! Can you get him a sick bag?" T says, "There is a sick bag in the pocket of the seat, if he would just sit down, he would find it!"

The forward galley flight attendant says, "He's sick he needs a drink. I'm going to help him." T told her, "He should have thought of that before he drank that wine." Then I'm in feeling in the middle, and I put up my hands to say, "Don't look at me, I'm just giving out drinks on the way to my layover." Then I got a piece of gum from another passenger and walked away.

I like working with the public, but I don't fuss too much over them. They are always trying to get away with something. They try to hide that they are listning to their iPods, or are using some other electronic device when they are not supposed to. I'm there to have fun, and to make it fun.

Most of the passengers on the plane were from Japan, and didn't speak English. I am pretty good at figuring out what people are trying to communicate to me, but do you know how much coka and coki (coffee) sound alike? The teacher in me immediately comes out, and I'm demonstrating to half the plane how to pronounce coffee. You say "Coke" for this, and I hold up the can. And "Coffee" for this, and I hold up the pot of coffee. I said, look at me, and I was teaching them to bite their bottom lip to make the sound of the "F". When someone would get it correct, everybody would start clapping. We were having fun.

I was on the bar cart with T, and she wasn't enjoying my English lesson. Her advice was, just give them tea, and then don't make eye contact afterwards, if they're thirsty they'll drink it. She taught me some good tricks to work smart not hard.

It was a long fun day.