Things That Make You Go Hmm...

10. Peace signs annoy me. Drawings and hand signals, and I'm not exactly sure why.
9. I have a biological Step-Father.
8. I learned to read in one hour, when I was four.
7. I think Harry Potter is completely EVIL.
6. I went to three different colleges but never graduated from any of them.
5. I'm a workaholic.
4. I'm on the Presidents Christmas Card List.
3. I adhere to Jewish dietary laws.
2. I cannot write about myself in the third person as much as I would like to try.
1. Jesus is my homeboy.

I was wondering, if Paris Hilton is carrying around a ferret, do you think I should be carrying a groundhog?

I'm usually at work. I don't have too much happening these days outside of work. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending how you look at it) I work in a very public place.

People are always coming up to me and touching me. People I don't know. They stand way too close, touch my arm or my back, and generally make me uncomfortable. I usually let them get away with touching my arm if they are really old. What can I do? I don't want to be a "rude little whipper-snapper" ya know?

One day this older woman, hugged me and put her head to mine. She was probably 70 years old. I just held my breath and plastered on a fake smile. I literaly froze, I couldn't move. I had known her for a total of two minutes. I think if I had known her a few moments longer she may have slipped me the tongue.

Some people are just born without knowing where the physical barriers should be. For others, I think the space shrinks as they get older. Personally, I would prefer to remain at arms length from everyone with the exception of my close friends and family. One day I may relax and get used to people touching me, but until then I'm keeping my mouth tightly closed.

Dreams are funny things. Sometimes they are visions from above, and sometimes they come from other places. This one, I think is a mixture of watching Problem Child yesterday and some of my insecurities. There were nuns and an orphanage in the movie, and I would like to make more humanitarian efforts.

Last night I had a dream that I met Mother Teresa. She was in a sleeping bag at an orphanage and I gave her a hug and squeezed her arm in adoration. Her arm was real skinny.

In my dream, my fiance worked in Pac Sun. (He's a mechanic in real life so go figure.) Well, Mother Teresa went into Pac Sun to get some ROXY underwear. They were something Raquel Welch would have worn and were UGG inspired. They were all fuzzy, cute, and definitely sexy. Since my fiance was working, she was asking him to help her pick out the right pair for her. I think she was going someplace on a mission that was real cold.

I was so confused. On one hand, it's Mother Teresa, on the other hand it's Mother Teresa! My fiance is picking out sexy underwear with Mother Teresa. How am I supposed to feel about that?

Then I woke up, and was confused. It's now three hours later and I'm still confused. I feel so traumatized. My mind knows this didn't happen and it's really funny. ROXY doesn't even make that kind of underwear. Sheesh!

I was watching Oprah today, and she asked Jay Leno "When did you get your first laugh?" His response was "When I was four years old." After he told the story he made this comment "When you get a reaction from adults and you don't know why, but you know you got a reaction it sticks with you."

Immediately I remembered when I got my first laugh. I was five years old. I told my mother this joke, I don't even remember where I had heard it, but I thought it had a nice ring to it.

"Knock Knock"
My Mom said "Who's There?"
"Madam"
of course my Mom said "Madam who?"
I said "Ma dam foots caught in the door."

First my Mom was shocked, then she started laughing, then she said "Who told you that?" I was so happy after that I would tell it to every single adult I would see. I even told it to my teacher. She didn't laugh. She just looked shocked. Shocked was good enough for me. I never even knew what it meant, I just knew I got a reaction, a laugh, and sometimes they would even cover their mouth, so I kept telling it for years.

"World Vision, the Christian relief and development organization, has partnered with EMI Christian Music Group to offer the WOW Hits 2006 Double CD Set AT NO ADDITIONAL COST to anyone who gives a gift of $20 or more."

So you can do good and get a great CD. I have WOW Hits 2005 and it rocks. I'm gettin' me some 2006.

It's no secret that I am a Bush supporter. Me and W go way back. So I thought I would make some comments on The Presidents Video Teleconference with the US Troops from the 42nd Infantry Division, and one Iraqi Sargeant Major from 4th Iraqi Army Division.

I think it may have been somewhat scripted. But my guess would be that it was more like everyone was prepped. I'm sure that it was confusing with the delay you have with Satellite. There is a lag time that can make it confusing.

The President was obviously a bit nervous. And wouldn't you be? His approval rating is at an all time low. The media is always reporting with their liberal slant making him out to be a tyrant. This was his chance to prove them wrong. In my opinion he did save face. We are accomplishing a lot of things in Iraq. Saddam Hussein was the tyrant. Thank God he is out of there and things are getting better.

I was so glued to the TV while I was watching this. My favorite part was when when 4th Sergeant Major Akeel Shaker Nassir from the 4th Iraqi Army Division thanked the President and said "I like you" with his Iraqi accent, that was the most endearing.

I thought the teleconference was really sweet, and once again I was proud to be an American.

If you missed todays Video Teleconference you can view it or read the transcript here.

Whenever I go through something rough with another person, I like to make a joke out of it and make "It should have been a sign" lists. This list however, is not for myself.

This list is for all of the men out there who thought they were getting a woman and it turned out to be a man.

So your chick's a dude? Well, it should have been a sign when:

She had an adams apple
Her hands were as big as or bigger than yours
She had a five o'clock shadow
She was much prettier than the women you could ever date
She was very forward and flirtatious
She was too good to be true
She put too much emphasis on her appearance
She shaves her arms
She had giant feet to match her man hands
She had the best hair, ever
Hormone pills in the medicine cabinet

I know I am making a joke out of it, but I've seen some men devastated when they found out the beautiful flower that they were romancing had a stamen.

I've never been one for small talk. For some reason lately I've been prone to the old how are you? I never liked asking that question unless I want an honest answer.
I don't like to say words just to say them, they have to mean something.

Classic small talk: Hi, how are you? Fine thanks, and you? In Spanish: Hola, como esta? Bien, y tu? Blah blah blah it goes on and on. I think the best way to avoid the small talk rut is to give honest answers and ask honest questions. In a word, care.

Someone recognized me from my commercial today. OK, so it is someone I know and the commercial is only local. I've been sporadically trying to break into show business for as long as I can remember. Something has always come up and it didn't work out.

Once, I was cast on a show that was formerly called "The jury is in". We shot the pilot had lots of fun and planned our new lives. Too bad they wrote my part right out of the show. I was on the jury. They changed the name too. It is now called Judge Hatchett.

It's pretty exciting to finally get to do a commercial even if it is only at the local level. I can at least add it to my resume. I guess the reason most people never achieve their dreams is because we don't believe in ourselves enough to follow them.

I had a friend from Germany. When she found out I didn't believe in evolution, she decided that I was an idiot and an inferior human being. Our friendship deteriorated quickly after that. Even though evolution is only a theory based on no facts what so ever, she hates me because I believe the bible.

If you look at a snowflake, you must realize it wasn't caused by an explosion It was designed. Do you know of any explosion that caused order? I didn't think so.

I am half Polish, and my family had to change their last name in fear of Adolph Hitler. If he knew they were Polish he would have killed them in an oven, made slaves out of them, or used them for scientific experiments. Do you know why? Because in Hitler's opinion, we were more ape like and not as evolved as the pure Aryan race that he was breeding.

You see, Hitler was a believer in Evolution. Because of that theory us Poles and Jews were just animals. That way, he didn't feel guilty about the mass murder. If we are not people, then it is not a crime to kill us. When you believe the lie of evolution, slavery doesn't seem so bad. With that mentality you think you're doing them a favor, they are learning your "civilized" ways. You are actually gracing us less evolved "animals" with your presence. We are not really human after all, but more like apes.

I despise racism, in any way shape or form. God created us all equal. No one is better than the other. But, if you believe in evolution then you too may think some races are more "evolved" than others, and that my friends is simply not true. Lets be frank here, if you are racist, you feel another race is "inferior" to yours. Think about why you feel that way. What you find may surprise you.

For more information on creation as opposed to evolution I suggest you check out creationevidence.org Dr. Carl Baugh, the director is a brilliant scientist and creationist. He is truly fascinating in the way he teaches God's creation model. It's wise to get the facts before you make your decision on creation or evolution. Once you know the facts then you can draw your own informed conclusion.

So last night I guess I caught the encore presentation of Britney and Kevin's E! True Hollywood Story. I kept waiting for it to get interesting so I was flipping back and forth between that and Roseanne. It was the episode where Dan finds out David was living with Darlene in her apartment at School. I had already seen that episode multiple times so that should tell you how interesting Brit n' Kev's story was.

I guess my main complaint here is that the Media is shoving Kevin Federline down our throats. I don't find him interesting and I find Britney even less interesting because of her husband. Does the media think we are puppets who can't think for ourselves?

I was waiting for a hypnotist to flash on the screen and say that I was getting very sleepy and that Kevin Federline is an interesting person, and I will buy his record. Hey wait a second, I was getting very sleepy but I guess it didn't work because I still feel uninterested in Kevin Federline. But I sure am hungry for some Cheetos.

No really, it aint no joke. My Fiance' and I went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant to celabrate the 50th Post to my blog. I've decided to get on board Shai Coggins 1000 Posts Wannabe Club project. 51 posts down (including this one) and 949 to go. Woo hoo!

So I was watching Corwin's Quest yesterday, and I couldn't believe some of the things I was seeing. As I watched in Horror, I couldn't bring myself to change the channel. The episode is called "The Bear's Hunger" . Jeff Corwin is in Alaska tracking down a Kodiak Bear. As he gets close, he stumbles upon some bear dung. He pokes around it with a stick, and finds a fish bone in this bears poo. Jeff then proceeds to pick the bone out of the poo with his fingers. He sticks the bone in his pocket and calls it a toothpick! Can you say EWWW.

We then flash to The Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Jeff is eating a nice meal, and at the end you see that he has food stuck in his teeth. Jeff rips off his tuxedo stripper style and is wearing a wetsuit underneath. He then jumps into the ocean and lo and behold on the ocean floor is an oxygen tank. Jeff straps on the oxygen tank and swims around until he finds a Cleaner Shrimp. He makes the shrimp go into his mouth and clean his teeth. Suddenly that fish bone doesn't seem so gross. If this weren't appalling enough, after the cleaner shrimp crawls out of Jeff Corwins mouth, he puts it back in and makes it do it again!

At one point of the episode, we are spying on Proboscis Monkeys. Now I know where they found the inspiration for Alice the Goon on Popeye. I'm sitting there staring at this bizarre creatures nose, and I realize, the monkeys sword is out of its sheath! Where is censorship when you need it? It seems to me they should blur that section out of the video or not show it as such a close up. I'm sure when they were in the editing process somebody noticed it. They thought "hey, lets see if we can get this past the exec's without them noticing". I guess it worked.

The last thing that sticks out from this episode is when Jeff Corwin begins tracking the bear again. He is holding some scat in his hands saying "I know there is a bear close by, this is fresh and hot." I'm thinking "is he talking about a Dunkin' Donut Munchkin or a piece of bear dung"? He then opens his mouth and starts to put it inside, and then decides against it. It was at that point that I thought, maybe this isn't happening. Maybe I've just lost my mind. And then I realized it is happening, I'm completely sane and Jeff Corwin is just the Howard Stern of Animal Planet.

I'm going to do some major name dropping here, Tony Robbins, Robert "Rich Dad" and Kim Kiyosaki, Donald Trump , just to name a few will be at the Jacob Javits Center in NYC next weekend. In one weekend you can learn secrets of Real Estate wealth.

It will all go down on Saturday October 22, and Sunday October 23. Call 1-800-US-ANNEX or go online to register at LearningAnnex.com

I have to share this recipe. I was experimenting the other day and I struck gold. I call it Potato Heaven.

What you'll need:

8 Small Russet Potatoes
1 Teaspoon Fresh Rosemary
1 Tablespoon Fresh Cut Chives
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Tablespoon Fresh Grated Parmesan Cheese
2 Tablespoons Butter
1/2 to 1 Cup Sour Cream (I prefer 1/2, others prefer more)
3 Cloves Garlic (Minced)
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper to taste.

What you'll do:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees
Using a brush, lightly coat a medium sized baking dish with the Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Wash and cube the Potatoes. Leave the skins on.
Mince the Garlic
Put your potatoes and garlic into the baking dish.
Add your butter, salt,pepper,chives and rosemary
Mix the ingredients lightly
Grate your Parmesan Cheese on top
Bake Covered at 350 degrees for 45 minutes*

When you take them out of the oven, they should be very tender and slightly golden brown. Add in your sour cream and enjoy!

*Baking times may vary depending on the size of your potato cubes.

This morning it was raining like crazy. Taking a boat to work would have been more appropriate than driving. I'm going down that crazy ole road again were all the animals get killed, and I see the most pathetic sight. A groundhog, completely soaked, crawling across the road. Immediately a cliche' goes through my mind. Why did the groundhog cross the road? To get to higher ground! I didn't know groundhogs were so small when they are wet. From this point forward I will refer to him as "Hoggy".

Hoggy was coming straight at me. I wanted to stop and let him cross, but I didn't want to cause an accident. I love animals, but people are more important. PETA is going to be on my back for that comment.

Anyway, I decided I was going to train him. I train all the wild animals I encounter on the street. I slowed down so I wouldn't hit him, and started blaring my horn. He started back where he came from, then he got confused, and was coming toward traffic again. So I chased him back into the field with my horn. Whew, now he knows those big rolling things are scarier than your hole flooding.

My Mother has always been a lunatic. I say that in the nicest possible way. If you have read my previous posts, you may know she hasn't spoken to me in five years. Every now and then I would like to reminisce about her so that I can remember I still do have a Mom.

I was so thankful when In Living Color came out. Remember Jim Carrey as Fire Marshall Bill? My Mother would contort her face the way Jim Carrey would, except her lines were "I can't take it! I can't take it!" She would scream that and contort her face. After Jim Carrey was doing that schtick, when my Mother would freak out I would just start to laugh. Then she would do it more and say "You are making me crazy!" And I would laugh even harder because in my head I'd be thinking, "Making you? You already ARE!" Only in my head of course because I am somewhat respectful. However, I would then be roaring with laughter picturing her in a Firemans Hat. Well that would reduce her to tears and I would have to hug her, and tell her it was all my fault.

After Jim Carrey became even more popular, I then could say "ALLRIGHTY THEN!" When she would have her outbursts. She had no idea what I was doing.

One day my cousin Jenna was there when my Mom did the I can't take it bit. My cousin was in shock. After I said "Well allrighty then" Jenna started rolling on the floor saying she does look like Jim Carrey! From then on my Mothers secret nickname was Jim Scarrey.

Just a few days ago I was thinking, my life is all of a sudden running so smoothly. To me, that should be a red flag that I've become complacent. Whenever I make it through a crisis I come out better than I was before it started. I was thinking "Lord, I am very happy for the peace in my life, but does this mean nothing great is going to happen?" Crisis always occurs at the curve of change.

Becareful for what you wish for. The very next day adversity slapped me in the face. I'm taking it in stride. I am not going to complain and and I am going to pray for those who persecute me. I am maturing. What a surprise! Instead of plotting revenge, I am giving my problems to the Lord and letting him deal with them. It's pretty exciting. Just a few months ago I would rot for at least a day in self pity. I would dwell on things that bothered me. Today I'm not rotting for a minute. What a difference!

Dr. Mike Murdock says "You will not be promoted until you are overqualified for your present assignment." Does this mean I'm getting a promotion? ;)

OK, so remember when I said I was going to make me own job? (A little Aussie lingo there.) Well, my first attempt is going to be to fill out an application for Niki Taylors Begin Foundation for the Advancement of Women in Business. Through her website you can submit an idea for business, and if you are selected, the Begin Foundation will make it happen.

I'm going to submit my business idea, and if you are a woman and have a great idea for a business I suggest you submit it as well. I'm not afraid of a little competion. If my best is not good enough, someone else deserves it. You can go directly to nikitaylor.com and give it a try yourself. Click on Begin Foundation and then Launch the Submission Form.