Things That Make You Go Hmm...

With Thanksgiving Vacation coming up this week, I thought this would be a good time for a project.

I always like to have my daughters artwork. I don't like having it on scraps of paper or any other type of media that is easily destructible.

My daughter approached me this year, with a "Can I just give you 20 bucks for Christmas? I don't know what to get you." I said "What! I want the same thing you gave me last year."

Last year, I bought a few pre-stretched canvasses, and invited my niece over. I said, what I want for Christmas, is for the two of you to make me and your mother a painting. The girls were a little intimidated at first. Being only eight and eleven years old and having to do a "real" painting.

I got out the pencils and the newsprint. I said, "What are you going to draw?" Both girls had no idea. I said, "OK, how about a snowman?" They both got excited about the idea. After they drew their snowmen, I got out the paint and some glitter. I had them do a practice run on the newsprint before I gave them the canvas.

I wanted them to get used to the Acrylic Paints, the texture, the brushes, how to mix colors. They then drew the picture on their canvas and after that, they went to town with the paint and glitter. The pictures came out adorable. My Sister was so surprised when she got her gift. My daughter and my niece were able to give gifts from their hearts that didn't cost them money.

Everyone tells me, "Your daughter is so creative". She totally is. Most kids are, give them a project, and you will get some beautiful art that you will have forever.

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It's not yet Thanksgiving, but I'm already in the Holiday Spirit. Last night we took the dog to the mall to get his picture taken with Santa. After waiting in line for an hour and a half, I wanted to post his picture.

As we were waiting in line, I was entertaining the other people around us showing off the Pug. He can say "Mom" on command. He also says it when he wants my attention.

Everyone was laughing and saying what a special dog he is. Then he spun around and pooped on the floor. I think he did it for the attention. I was so embarrassed I said, "He can talk, but he's not potty trained." That Mister Puggles!

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WARNING: This post is only moderately funny

Lately I have been spending way to much time on the Internet. I decided to do a "It should have been a sign", dedicated to it.

It should have been a sign that I have been spending too much time on the Internet when:

In my head, I hear Susan Powter saying "Stop the Technology!"
I giggle every Tuesday night saying "I'm going to watch My Name is URL".
I call my dog, dogpile.
I call my Dad, dadpile.
I got tendonitis from typing.
I actually said out loud, "I've been so busy uploading all day, I need to go home and download".
I have certain people labeled as "spam".
I find myself wishing that some of the people I am speaking with had to go through "word verification" before they can make comments.
As I'm reading my Bible, I am praying for God to add a search button.
I started writing this post.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms let them be a sign. Momentarily turn off the computer and "Stop The Technology".

Don't say I didn't warn you!

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I don't know how serious I can take this advice from a cigarrete manufacturer. I was half listening to a commercial, it was saying "Talk to your kids about smoking". It was actually quite endearing. I stopped what I was doing to watch it. I really thought it was a public service ad. At the end of the commercial it said log on to phillipmorris.com for more information. I was like, whoa, way to cover your butts Phillip Morris.

Of course I had to log on to see what they had. They dedicated quite a bit of bandwidth to their Parent Resource Center. To me, it's kind of like a hooker with HIV that says "I have HIV, so you may not want to sleep with me" for a commercial. But, after the shoot she is out leaning into some teenagers car offering her services. Craziness I tell ya!

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What a publicity goldmine. Who comes up with this stuff? Do you think the idea came to light right after the Paris Hilton car accident? Did Kimberly decide to hire Paris Hilton's Publicist?

I can see it now. "Talan, you are hot right now after that accident. Your time on Laguna Beach has ended. It would be in your best interest to do something else unexpected. The timing would be perfect if you proposed to your girlfriend. Your fame would skyrocket." "But I don't want to marry her." "You don't actually have to marry her, just get engaged." "Then we can schedule a break up to coincide with your album drop, Kay?"

Talan Torriero to Marry Kim Stewart was so brilliant, he or she deserves a raise. I'm so not a Kim Stew fan, but this is hilarious. Talan is what, 18 if he's lucky. You go you little publicity rock monsters!

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I was on the Pennsylvania Turnpike heading into Philadelphia this past Sunday when I saw the Amerber Alert signs telling us to watch out for a red Jetta with a Male and Female inside the car. I was thinking a couple grabbed a little girl, but it turned out to be David Ludwig and Kara Borden.

Dave Lucas on his Capital Region People blog has an informative post with all the links including ones to Kara and David's blog.

Almost every problem I or anyone else has can be traced back to premarital sex. Hear me out, OK? If Kara Borden would not have been in an inapropriate relationship with David Ludwig, do you think he would have had enough passion to murder her parents? Probably not.

He was wearing what I call sex goggles. You know, kind of like beer goggles but worse because this kind usually lasts until you are no longer in that type of a realtionship with a person. You stay with some loser because you mentally impared from the sex.

My Mother was wearing sex goggles when she got pregnant from my biological father who was a heroin addict. Thanks for the legacy Mom. She was 18. I was wearing them when I got pregnant with my daughter. She pays for my impared judgement every day of her life, because she has no relationship to speak of with her Father.

Kara Borden's entire family has to pay for the rest of their lives too because of it. Her parents paid for it with their lives. The teenage girls I see pushing baby carriages around don't know it, but it wasn't exactly the unprotected sex that was their problem. It was that they had sex at all.

Parents and future parents, when you tell your kids not to have sex before marriage, tell them why. Don't tell them it's because the Bible says so. It says so, but God is not stupid. He has a reason, and the reason is to protect us. Tell them why your life got so screwed up for not being obedient. Didn't have a Dad growing up? Married the wrong man or woman? Endured years of abuse? Did have a Dad, but he was never around?

Show kids how precious they are, and that sex of any type is not an option. You know, save it for the wedding night. Tell them it is not bad, but a gift. One that keeps on giving one way or another.

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Paris, why did you have to ditch Tink? She never bit you in the face did she?

I know this is rude, but I would like to see a video of Paris Hilton's pet monkey Baby Luv when she clawed Paris' face. Uh, just to make sure it really happened.

How is it that Paris always comes out of every situation smelling like a rose? Her boyfriend trashes two of her cars, and she still lets him drive. Doesn't anyone care that she is still letting him drive? She should ban him from driving her cars.

Now her monkey scratches up her face and no one has any pictures? Maybe that story was just made up to keep her in the press, who knows. Paris has more incidents than Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have break up rumors.

The thing is, each incident adds to her popularity. She really has that press thing down pat. How does she do it? Paris and I do have one thing in common, we share a birthday. Now, if we could just share a trust fund...

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I can't believe it has been 20 years of O. What better way to see Tom Cruise couch jump, bad style and helmet hair (Compliments of Oprah herself), an entire audience being given cars, or to just see the humanitarian that is Oprah Winfrey. I'm going to buy the DVD to live and relive the inspiration and humiliation of 20 years!

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When did the fascination of the melding together of two celebrity names to form a couple begin? My recollection is that it all started with Bennifer. The original starring Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, not Bennifer 2 where Lopez was traded for Garner. I think it was Ted Casablanca from E! who began the name game.

You know you really made it when you've got a compound name tag. My all time favorite is Spederline. Which belongs to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. I don't really like any of the other ones. Except for mine of course, which would be DeJesus. (pronounced Day Hay Zeus). Fredi's real name is Jesus, with the Spanish pronunciation of course. I knew our relationship was divine.

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I picked up a copy of Nicole Richie's book yesterday, and I've finished it already. Not because it is short, but it is because you just can't put it down. In the center of the book there are quite a few color pictures of Nicole, which is a nice bonus.

We are mostly outsiders looking in on Hollywood, but here we have a view from an insider. It's a novel, so it is fiction. Nicole writes the book as herself, and her characters seem to be a mixture of today's Hollywood It Girls. She writes with her usual wit and charm. It's Trashtastic and I am going to read it a second time.

The one negative thing I have to say though is, there are a lot of characters and in the beginning it is a bit confusing. I'm so busy trying to figure out who is who. Like, this one sounds like Paris, this could be Kimberly Stewart, and is this Shannon Dougherty?

If this were my first book, I would definitely be proud of it. It is the crown diamond in her tiara. Look out Paris, Nicole is famous all on her own.

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This morning, I was out walking my dog. I was stopped by a car who needed directions. I asked them where was the final destination. They showed me a newspaper, it had a map of Moore Township, and a box with an arrow that said "Bones found here". I said oh, I know where that is. That is my Dad's neighbor. It looked like a tour or something.

Last year there was a big to do and my Dad was interviewed on the news, he was quoted in the newspapers. You see, we had this neighbor, he was a recluse. We really didn't know him, he lived in this spooky house. There were all these trailers outside with starving neglected animals in them. The SPCA finally came out and took all of his animals away.

He had a bunch of filthy kids too. When I would ride my horse past the property about 20 of his dogs would chase my horse, then the kids would come running out into the field. I think there was about ten of them ranging from about two to twelve. They looked very neglected too.

It looked like a petting zoo gone bad. I would say hi to the kids and they would whisper and hide behind each other. I never saw a school bus pick up any of the kids. I rarely saw a car go in or out of the driveway.

Well, this guy sold the place and moved to New Jersey. A doctor bought the property and had the house and all the animal trailers demolished. When the excavator was there he found a bone. He didn't think too much of it at first. He figured it was from a cow or something. He set it aside. It started to bother him, so he contacted the police. It turned out it was human femur.

At first they were thinking it was probably old. There were some huge Indian masacres here in the past. Against each other and against the white people that lived here in the late 1700's. But that is another story.

A little bit of research was done, and they realized there was a missing persons report filed by the man's sister in 2000, he was 26 at the time of his disappearance. He had been living in the spooky house with the owner Robert Schmidt, his wife and children. The two men met in rehab.

The police closed off the place and found the rest of the remains. It was a match, it was Robert Sarko.

Now, the owner of the house, Robert Schmidt, was always home. He rarely left the property. It is about 5 acres, give or take, secluded in the woods. Bordered by a 60+ acre field (the field is on the border of my Dads property).

So you are going to tell me that this guy got killed there, with no sign of forced entry, no report of foul play and a grave was dug in the back yard and the owner of the property had no knowledge of it? I would think it would be an open and shut case. No one really pressed, the victim was a "nobody" and the alleged murderer is off without so much as a trial. Last I heard he is still living in New Jersey. It's crazy how some human beings are just "disposable".

I felt like crying for about an hour after that. I didn't know she was clutching her chest from a heart attack. Let me start from the beginning.

I was at work, as usual. I had my first potential customer of the day. I was explaining the same concept over and over to him. He was one of those loud talkers. You know the type, they want attention so they talk really loud to look important. As I'm with Mr. Loud Talker, this woman, is hunched over and motions to my chair. I say "Go For It" to her. I thought she wanted to rest on it because she was exercising. We have a lot of walkers here in the mall.

The next thing I know, my phone rings. I'm thinking it's a potential sale. I say, "excuse me for just a moment" to Mr. Loud talker. Mr. Loud Talker walks away, the phone was a wrong number and the next thing I know the paramedics are there because this woman is having a heart attack!

I'm like, excuse me for being so self centered. I felt so bad. I guess it could have been worse, when she wanted to rest on my chair, I could have told her no.

I am on this commercial, and it has been on for about a month now. Last night was the first time I had gotten to see it. Oh boy, I should have practiced my lines in front of a mirror. At the one part I say, "you're favorite cable provider". I didn't realize how much my lips had to move to say that. I was trying to say it really clear and annunciate my words. All you can see at that part is my lips moving like crazy to say "you're favorite cable provider" it's hilarious!

If you read this blog, you may have noticed I have been blogging about the New Jersey Gubernatorial Campaign. I don't even live in New Jersey, but Jon Corzine and Doug Forrester were both getting on my nerves. For the record, I would prefer Doug Forrester over Jon Corzine. I didn't approve of his campaign tactics either.

Doug lost. But who are the losers really? The two of these candidates spent 70 million dollars on this campaign. I find that repulsive because not only was it New Jerseys most expensive campaign, it was the nastiest.

Whew, Election Day is finally upon us. The campaign process is so exhausting, and I was just a spectator. Before I'm off to the polls, I'd like to share a blonde moment I had a few years ago. Now I can call it a Paris Hilton moment.

One thing about me, I hate confrontation. But, for some reason, when it comes to politics I'm in your face. Probably because I keep myself educated on politics and the people I usually butt heads don't know the whole story. Anyway, my friends historically have been liberals. Just because it's trendy, trust me on that one. I'm a conservative, which is so not trendy but who cares.

Back when I first was able to register to vote, I wasn't as informed as I am today. I was still opinionated of course. I voted in my first election, and then four years later, I was going to vote again. I had arguments with my friends, I didn't agree with their candidate or his views. We had some heated debates during that Presidential Campaign.

I couldn't wait to vote, I marched into the firehouse (yes, the firehouse this is Pennsylvania) and I couldn't vote! I told them I was registered. They kind of laughed at me because you can't stay registered if you don't vote every two years. I went home with my tail between my legs and vowed never to miss an opportunity to vote.

On that note, I'm off to the polls! Where I live now, I vote in a church. So I get to vote and buy homemade Pennsylvania Dutch food. Not a bad gig.

Get out and vote!

I'm sure by now you all have heard Kevin Federlines "leaked" rap song. I didn't think a song was considered leaked if you gave your producer permission yourself to post it on the internet. But, that is neither here nor there. If you haven't heard it yet, you can here it here.

But beyond the so called leak, According to In Touch Magazine Britney supposedly met Kevin's song "With laughter from his Superstar Wife who was unimpressed." And according to the same mole Britney said "He would sell a hundred, maybe a thousand copies if he was really lucky."

I'm going to give you my hypothesis on our little mole here. I'm willing to guess that the so called mole is Brit's publicist. Were there any reports where Britney denies her reaction to Kevins music? She may just be so fed up with her husband that she wants to teach him a lesson. She certainly knows how to work the press.

Seriously, do you think the first time Kev's gonna play his track for Britney, anyone who could be a potential mole would be there?

The timing of Kevin's "leaked" rap song couldn't have been better. It was right on the heels of Britneys "leaked" comments to In Touch Magazine. That's some high profile domestic squabble don't ya think?

I saw Nicole Richie in an interview on 20/20 with Deborah Roberts. Nicole was asked if she had an eating disorder. Of course he said no. The problem is, she used the same poker face she always uses in The Simple Life when she lies. You know the one, where she slightly lowers her chin and gives the puppy dog eyes.

She was also asked about the rumor that she played a tape of Paris during a party. Nicole said, "I would never do that." I was waiting for the simple life sound effects. What I really liked was the seriousness of Deborah Roberts as she interviewed Nicole. Didn't she ever watch The Simple Life?

I was wondering if maybe Mary Kate Olsen was waiting for Nicole in the Limo. When Nicole got back out to the car, the two were probably laughing with Nicole replaying the interview for her. That Nicole, she is so much fun! I don't advocate lying, but with Nicole, I just think of it as "joking".

More blogs about nicole+richie.

For those of you in the Tri-State Area, get ready. You are in for a great fight, er Gubernatorial Debate. Tonight on NBC at 7:00 Gubernatorial Candidates Jon Corzine and Doug Forrester will have a live debate.

Earlier in the week they had a heated radio debate. One of the issues they banged heads on was a Newark Hockey Arena. Tonight, it wouldn't surprise me if Jon Corzine pulls a hockey stick on Doug Forrester and beats him with it. Then you will see Doug wailing WHY! WHY! Nancy Kerrigan style. You see what hockey does Doug? Let those kids play on the roof. We don't need an arena for it. I wonder if audience members will be wearing big Styrofoam fingers?

I cannot wait until this election is over. Both of these candidates are acting like children. Jon Corzine is the big offender. Last night I had a dream the devil was on my shoulder whispering in my ear "Doug Forrester hates paraplegics". Then I heard another devil on my other shoulder say "Jon Corzine doesn't have his facts straight". They are invading my sleep!

I hope NBC doesn't use that pesky ten second delay. I want to see what happens tonight live. Hockey sticks may fly!

Today I thought I would watch a different program on TV. I never saw it before, and it's always on so I thought, why not? Now I know why not. It was on MTV, wow do they really objectify women on that show it was hideous. They really aught to be ashamed of the message they are sending to young girls.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with a former roommate a few years ago. Keep in mind, she was going for her masters degree. She is not a dumb girl. She is very beautiful too. We were in the living room and she was watching MTV's Spring Break. There were these girls running around in only shaving cream or whipped cream, some kind of cream anyway.

She said to me and I quote "I wish I could be like that. They are so free with their bodies and are having so much fun." I said to her, "Are you kidding me? They look like idiots. They think the only way they can get attention is by taking off their clothes. You are way too smart to act like that, they should want to be like you."

After I said that, she thought about it, and then she said to me "you know I never thought about it that way. They just looked like they were having fun. I'm actually alright just the way I am".

It was so simple, in two minutes I pointed out a different perspective for her and she got the message. MTV has access to so many cool things. Why do they have to teach guys that girls are objects and they are to be objectified? They show the world that women enjoy being treated this way. Even smart girls fall for it. The whole thing is mind boggling.

This is Andrea from The Biggest Loser. Is it just me, or does she look like Lindsay Lohan? I think she could definitely pass for her older sister.

Ah, the LB mostly known as Laguna Beach. Yeah, I watch it. You got beef wit dat? I didn't think so.

If you don't watch it, you've got to. A reality show shot in the real Orange County. It's one of those guilty pleasures that you do commit but try to hide. It's like eating a giant fattening ice cream sundae when you are on a diet. You shouldn't do it, it's not good for you, but it just tastes so good you can't help yourself!

This cheater Jason, I have the most questions about that dude. First of all, what is it that all of the girls see in him? I don't see anything appealing. Looks? Nah. Hygiene? I don't have smellivision, but I don't think it's the hygiene. Money? His family has it I guess. His Brains? I don't think it's that either.

How many times was this guy held back? He's like 25 and in High School. He may have graduated this season, but I didn't notice.

Another question, when do they go from having their name on the screen as so and so's friend, to just having their name shown? Yeah, I get that she is LC's friend. You showed me that one hundred times already, can't you just show me her name without the parenthesis? (LC's Friend)

I think what is the best about this show is that it takes you back to a time when all of your problems were trivial. You get wrapped up, and forget your own problems for awhile. I give it two scandalous thumbs up.

November is National Novel Writing Month.

Basically what you do is, you write a novel in thirty days. Starting November 1, and ending November 30. The novel needs to be a minimum of 50,000 words. It's all about quantity not quality so don't be scared. You can sign up at NaNoWriMo.org

I decided last month I was going to do it. I've never written a novel, so I'm going to be writing one now, bloggy style. What that means is, I set up a novel blog, and I am going to be adding a minimum of 1666.6666 words to the novel each day. Sounds fun right?

I thought of something this morning that I hadn't thought of in years. When I was three, I went with my Mother to an appointment. There was a man in the waiting room with us wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. I went up to him and said "Are you married?" He laughed and said, "No, no I am not." I said "Great! Because my Mommy is looking for a Daddy." My Mother got so embarrassed, she scooped me up and apologized to the man. That was awesome, I couldn't have done better today if I had planned it.

This is my prediciton for This Christmas Season's must have. I'm not much of a Star Wars fan and I need one.

I was reading Shai Coggin's Blog , and she had this cool little do dad of Dane Carlson's in her blog. I decided to try it out to see how much my blog was worth in blog dollars.

If you would like to see the worth of your blog, just click on the part that says, How much is your blog worth? and plug in your blog's address. It's that simple.

So I'm at work yesterday, and this dude comes up to me at the mall yelling Brand X* Cable is trash! He won't stop, he is saying it over and over. I don't know what I am supposed to do, there is a big crowd of people around. So I laugh and say "well thank you". He then says, "You're great, but Brand X* Cable is trash!" He was yelling it right at my face.

Just then, one of the Abercrombie & Fitch Guys walked by and said "Did he just say Brand X* Cable is Trash?" I said, "yep, that's what he said". So the Abercrombie Guy says "Dude, so is your wife, but you don't hear me yelling that!"

Doh! I didn't say a word....

*name of my employer omitted and replaced with Brand X for confidentiality reasons.

George Clooney is going to be on Oprah today. It should be very interesting. He has had a horrible year. while he was filming for an upcoming movie, he apparently hit his head.

Doctors realized the severity of his injury when spinal fluid was leaking out of his nose. Clooney said the pain was so great thoughts of suicide crossed his mind.

Read MSNBC'S Jeannette Walls full scoop.

SeeOprahs Pics, Video & Scoop.

I am wondering, how do celebrities feel when their ex-husband, wife, or whatever is in a movie?

I'm thinking that Uma Thurman's new movie Prime is looking really good. Does Ethan Hawke go to the theater to see it? Or does he rent it anonymously from Netflix?

Does Jennifer Lopez secretly watch Alias when Marc Anthony is not at home? What goes through her head when she sees Jennifer Garner?

I'm sure Jennifer Anniston did not go see Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but Friends is on constantly, does Angelina Jolie make snide comments when Jennifer Anniston happens across the screen?

It must be strange. For us, when a relationship ends, it ends. We never have to see the other person again. Well, unless there are children involved anyway.

For a celebrity, they have to see that other person constantly, paraded in front of their face in all kinds of situations. What a bizarre world they live in, I guess the paycheck makes up for the discomfort.

I've got a great business idea, but quite frankly I don't have the energy to do it. I just have the idea, so if somebody likes it, run with it.

It would be called "Rent a Cube" or any other catchy name you could come up with.

What is the best part about working in an office? Your cube, your computer, your phone, your adjustable chair, ergonomic keyboard, your private space, the fax machine, the printer, the water cooler conversations, the free office supplies, the break room, the IT guy is just down the hall...

What is the worst part about working in an office? Your boss, your job, working for someone else.

So my idea is you own an office, and rent the cubes. Not only do you rent the cubes, but included in the rental is office supplies, water cooler, coffee maker, computer, internet connection, software, printer, phone, fax machine, etc. The works.

Working from home is cool, but it gets lonely. You would be surrounded by self-employed potential inspiration. So you would be able to have the water cooler conversations, you can get your privacy, you can have that corner office (if you want to pay extra for it) or you can have the small cube. Whatever you
want all for the low monthly rate of.... Whatever.

Not only would you get the cube, but you would have resources right there, who should design my logo? Oh, how about the guy at the logo cube. Who is going to do my web hosting? How about the guy at Cube Host? Computer problem? Go to the IT Cube. OK, what about the stuff in my garage? I know, I can take it to that eBay guys Cube. Can somebody please start this so I can reserve my cube?

I have been spending a bit of time by myself lately. Strange things are happening. I think it is the alone time and the combination of a Donald Trump quote. Mr. Trump said that "Everytime you say, that's a good one, you should write it down". After I read that, I started pay closer attention to everyday conversation. I also started to listen to myself more. It's working great. I'm becoming more creative.

Yesterday I said to Fredi "Was I talking about that with you?" He said, no. Then I realized, oh, I was thinking about that with myself. Then later I said, "You got that song stuck in my head!" He said "I never heard that song!" Then I remembered, I was the one singing that song, not him.

The more you listen to yourself the louder your voice will become. I find that to be facinating. I'm always working on something in my mind. Sure, sometimes you won't be able to sleep at night because your are brainstorming. That is a small price to pay for a little creativity. When I start going out and meeting myself places, then I will start to worry. Until then I'm going under the guise of "creative".

At first I thought I was watching one of those Geico commercials, but it turned out to be Jon Corzine's campaign commercial.

I'm not from NJ, so I don't vote in this election, but whew talk about cut throat. There is this kid in a wheel chair. He is telling his story saying that when he was wrestling in High School he became paralyzed. He then said "Doug Forrester does not support stem cell research, Doug Forrester does not care about people like me." Then it cuts away to a picture of the kid on the beach looking forlorn in his wheelchair with some friends. I think if Jon Corzine really wanted to drive the point home, he would have had the kid holding a dying puppy, or maybe a kitten with only one leg.

When I bought my house, I had no idea that there was only heat upstairs. It was June when I bought it. The downstairs has no heat. Last winter was my first winter here. Winter is upon me again and I'm not looking forward to it. I also didn't know that my well didn't have much water in it. So everyday I can take a shower, wash a couple of dishes, and do one load of laundry. Anymore than that, I will run out of water.

My sister didn't want her dog Pugsly anymore. She had just had another baby and no more time for him. I love the dog, so I took him. It turns out he likes to poop in the house. So, he pretty much has me trained when to walk him so that he usually won't go in the house. At night or when I'm not home, I keep him confined to the kitchen.

Now, it's getting too cold for him down there. I had him bundled up in his sweater and under his blanket, but he was still shivering. I had to take him upstairs into my room. He got so excited he started to poop! I ran and picked him up to take him to the toilet. As I did that, a big plop of poop lands on top of my bare foot!

I still had to let the dog sleep up there in his crate because it was too cold downstairs last night. Does he snore! I kept waking up all night from his snoring. So I got two lemons. My house, and my dog.

With the house situation, I now know how people less fortunate live. I'm living in my own third world house. As for the Pug, he's cute and cuddly but a lot of work. So now I know what it's like to have a husband.

So I'm watching the Fox News Channel to get the low down on Hurricane Wilma. I can't believe the guys and gals that are out in the hurricanes reporting. I think the networks compete to see who can have the most gnarly coverage. Because of their dedication, I have decided to make some fake awards for them.

While I was watching Fox News Channel this morning, the screen was going black, I could hardly understand what the reporter was saying, and I was waiting to see if he was going to get hit by a tree or something. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I guess that's the point.

Fox News Channel won my award of "Most dangerous hurricane coverage" for this storm. On CNN, they were in a different area of Florida, I could see the sun peeking through the clouds and I think the camera guy was pixilating the camera on purpose. It appeared that first he breathed on the camera lens, then he took some Evian and splashed it on the camera to make it look like rain. For that CNN wins my award for "Best Hurricane Special Effects".

Last night was my youngest sisters birthday party. She turned eight yesterday. It was a fun party. Kids always like me, and I'm not exactly sure why. Fredi says it's because I pay attention to them.

When I got there the kids were watching a movie with the Olsen Twins. They all dropped the movie to say hello. I only made it down three steps and then I got jumped on. I can't believe I was more popular that Mary Kate and Ashley.

My step mom thought I was one of the kids twice yesterday. You know I loved that. At one point, when we were painting, everyone had to change their seat when I came in the room to sit by me. You know I loved that too. As we were painting, one of the kids, Todd said to me, "Deanna, you are 100% popular". He's seven, and I told him that was the sweetest thing ever.

I love kids, they are so interesting. They always know what is hip and cool. I have more fun being one of the kids. Adults usually sit around and act boring. Kids like to dance, sing, swim, and do art projects. They don't always get all of my jokes, like last night when one of the girls said her Dad was coming at 7:45. I then told them my Dad was coming at 7:29.

When I was a teenager, I used to tell my Mom "I can't wait to have a kid so I can have somebody to play with." Now I have my daughter, my two younger sisters and of all of their friends. I've got tons of kids to play with!

I feel like that girl from American Pie who always said "This one time, at band camp" But anyway here goes...

This one time, I was in Strawbridges(all the funny stuff happens there). This woman was playing Marco Polo. She yelled "Mar-co!" So I yelled "Po-lo!" She started coming closer "Mar-co!" Again, I popped up and yelled "Po-lo!" She was looking right at me and didn't even try to tag me! She yelled it a third time "Marco!" Just then her son comes running up to her and she says "Marco! Where were you?" I just yelled "Sorry!" and ran away laughing.

After last nights post I was inspired to write about another "pick up attempt" someone tried on me at work a few months ago.

This man, I wouldn't call him a relic, he wasn't old enough for that, but he probably retired not too long ago. This man, who I will now refer to as Gramps, was asking me about cable service a few weeks earlier. I was telling him about High Def cable, blah blah blah.

Well, I guess Gramps saw that as foreplay because a few days later he comes back and hands me this piece of paper with his phone number on it and says "I'm all alone in my little house, why don't you stop by after work." And he winks. I was so repulsed I yelled at him "What kind of girl do you think I am!" As I threw the number on the ground. Gramps ran away as fast as his little legs would take him, wee wee wee all the way home.

Today I got hit on at work. It's strange enough when you get hit on by a dude when you are engaged to be married. When you're working, it's double strange. After you gave him your phone number it's triple strange.

What tends to creep me out is when I spend my time with a person under the assumption they are interested in my company's products or services, only to find out at the end, they really just wanted my phone number.

It's really touchy with my job because I always have to give out my business card which includes my cell phone number. My livelihood depends on it. So it gets quadruple strange when a "customer" calls me for a date when I'm with my fiance Fredi. I have to keep my cool and be professional, but I have a personal life too and need to be respectful. As part of my job, I have to be on call from 8:00 AM until 10:00 PM seven days a week.

So Fredi sits there and has no idea someone is asking me on a date. I'm turning red faced and squirming trying to tactfully turn the guy down.

In the end I always explain it to Fredi and he is fine with it. He knows how I am and that he is the only one for me, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.

I guess I should write a disclaimer. My fiance who is way wiser than I, or should I say me. I don't know. Anyway, my fiance says I better be careful for dissing Madonna. She has lots of money, top notch lawyers, and I'm well, me.

Anyway, I know I gave a big dis to Madonna by making fun of her. I was going to call your line 1-888-2-CONFESS, to confess but that may be just looking for trouble. Madonna, if you or your lawyers somehow see this, um I was joking. Yeah, that's what I was doing, joking. We square now? Oh, and good luck with your album;) That aught to do it.

I like to call myself unique for not doing a few things. People may think of me as strange, but perception is in the eye of the beholder.

I never drank iced tea. As a child I just never tried it. I've always been a water drinker, and now at my age to say I've never tasted iced tea is great for like three seconds of attention. I thought that had to be the most random thing. Until I met Saev. She's my best friend. She had me beat, she had never left the island of Oahu.

I asked her, is that so you can get some shock value from people, like me with iced tea? Saev said no, she just didn't leave the island because of her commitments. Then she had to go to Maui for work, and now I've got her beat again because I still didn't drink iced tea. Yeah baby, I'm iced cool.

I was watching TV the other day, and Madonna said she doesn't let her kids watch TV. That was a slap in the face. Here she is on television saying that TV is garbage. I'm watching her on TV so what's up with that? I read between the lines, what Madonna was really saying was, and I fake quote "You watch TV so you are stupid. So stupid in fact, that I make money from you watching me. I'm not stupid, I don't support people by watching their trash, nor do I allow my children to watch it. I'm better than you. You are not on TV and if you were, I wouldn't watch you anyway. I'm laughing at you, all the way to the bank."

TV in itself is not bad. Of course there is plenty of trash on television, don't watch the trash. Television can be very educational. Lets say you are an aspiring soccer player. You watch the soccer channel to learn from the best players in the world. Not everyone is like Mrs. Guy Ritchie and can afford a top notch soccer trainer.

Last I checked, movies go to Television eventually right? Madonnas husband is a Movie producer. Is she saying his work is trash too? I mean, I know hers can be quite trashy, but I'm not familiar with Guy Ritchie's work.

I'm really surprised she didn't get any bad press for her comments. I bet her next endeavor is going to be funding and owning The Kaballah Channel. I wonder if she would let her kids watch that?

Today I decided I was going to create an audioblog of this blog. I guess what made me come to that conclusion was that I like reading my posts to people. They seem to laugh more when I read it to them, I can convey my emotion better. Who am I kidding, I just want attention.

So now you can have Things That Make You Go Hmm, To Go. You can download it to your iPod or MP3 player and listen on your way to work, or where ever it is you are going. I hope you like it!

Think of the melody to The Farmer In The Dell...

I called nine one one
I called nine one one
I called nine one one
on my neighbors last night

The police went to their house
The police went to their house
The police went to their house
and told them to shut up

I can't believe I did that. I hate confrontation. I have been putting up with those people since they moved next door last January.

They wouldn't shut up (as usual), and it was after midnight. First I asked them nicely to be quiet, they got louder. Then I started to yell to them to be quiet. Well, that didn't sit too well with them either. They started trying to scare me by banging on my walls. They were banging so hard the pictures started shaking and I thought a fist was going to come through my wall.

Don't mess with a 350 pound redneck when he is angry! I let the professionals deal with it. At least I got a song out of it.

A few years ago I took my Grammy to Hawaii. I started thinking about that trip today because I saw a kukui nut lei in Strawbridges. Instantly I heard my Grandmothers voice in my head saying "I like your nuts". For her birthday I took her to a luau. We had a male tour guide. She points at his kukui nut lei and says "I like your nuts". The whole front of the bus was laughing. I'm glad I can now look back at the trip with a smile.

Let me start from the beginning. A few years before the Hawaii trip my Grandmother had a stroke. She now has a shunt in her brain, and oftentimes she reminds me of Sofia from The Golden Girls. She now lies, says off the wall things, and is just not right upstairs. I decided I would take her on the trip because she had never been to Hawaii. Hawaii is my second home, so I thought it would be fun for the two of us to spend quality time together.

It turned out, she was in her wheelchair and I had to push her all over the island. I'm talking miles. So many miles that I started to hemorrhage. I told her I needed a break because I was hemorrhaging, and she told me I was weak. I said "I pushed you two hundred miles in the last ten days, I'm tired!" She didn't give me a break. I felt bad, she's an old lady and this may be the only trip she will ever get to make to Hawaii, so I continued to sacrifice.

I pushed her butt through the International Market Place, from Waikiki to Honolulu, Ross stores, Hilo Hatties, The Dole Cannery, and on and on. She didn't really want to take a cab or ride The Bus. She wanted to see the sights and be outside.

I guess what started bugging me is that we were out searching for a dress for my Great-Grandmother. My Grammy was being so picky about which one she was getting for her. We went from shop to shop to find the perfect mumu. I remember one sales woman said to me "What size is she?" Me being exhausted and out of patience said, "The smallest ya got, she's DEAD!" The sales lady was shocked. My Grandmother is hard of hearing so she didn't hear me when I said that.

Back at the Hotel, I tried to gently explain to my Grammy that I didn't mind taking her shopping, but I didn't want to schlep around town shopping for a dead woman. Somehow my Mother brainwashed my Grandmother that her mother will be coming back to life one of these days. Because of the stroke, my Grandmother believes her. Incidentally my Mother never had a stroke, she's just nuts.

Anyway, I finally got my Grandmother to agree to renting a car. I threw her wheelchair in the back of the car and off we went. I got to rest the whole time I was driving! We hit the North Shore and watched the waves crash on the beach.

Now, I'm so glad I had that trip with Grammy. During the trip, I would lie in bed at night fantasizing about slitting the tires of her wheel chair. To this day she says that trip was "The trip of her life." At least I gave her that.

When we got back home to Pennsylvania I called my Aunt and told her how difficult a time I had with the wheelchair. And I asked her "Why don't you have an electric wheelchair for her?" She told me, "Oh the wheelchair was just for the trip. I thought it would be easier for you. She can walk on her own, she doesn't need a wheelchair."

That Grammy! She even made me push her from the bed to the bathroom! She didn't walk a step for the entire trip. She totally lied and made me push her butt all over the island of Oahu!

10. Peace signs annoy me. Drawings and hand signals, and I'm not exactly sure why.
9. I have a biological Step-Father.
8. I learned to read in one hour, when I was four.
7. I think Harry Potter is completely EVIL.
6. I went to three different colleges but never graduated from any of them.
5. I'm a workaholic.
4. I'm on the Presidents Christmas Card List.
3. I adhere to Jewish dietary laws.
2. I cannot write about myself in the third person as much as I would like to try.
1. Jesus is my homeboy.

I was wondering, if Paris Hilton is carrying around a ferret, do you think I should be carrying a groundhog?

I'm usually at work. I don't have too much happening these days outside of work. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending how you look at it) I work in a very public place.

People are always coming up to me and touching me. People I don't know. They stand way too close, touch my arm or my back, and generally make me uncomfortable. I usually let them get away with touching my arm if they are really old. What can I do? I don't want to be a "rude little whipper-snapper" ya know?

One day this older woman, hugged me and put her head to mine. She was probably 70 years old. I just held my breath and plastered on a fake smile. I literaly froze, I couldn't move. I had known her for a total of two minutes. I think if I had known her a few moments longer she may have slipped me the tongue.

Some people are just born without knowing where the physical barriers should be. For others, I think the space shrinks as they get older. Personally, I would prefer to remain at arms length from everyone with the exception of my close friends and family. One day I may relax and get used to people touching me, but until then I'm keeping my mouth tightly closed.

Dreams are funny things. Sometimes they are visions from above, and sometimes they come from other places. This one, I think is a mixture of watching Problem Child yesterday and some of my insecurities. There were nuns and an orphanage in the movie, and I would like to make more humanitarian efforts.

Last night I had a dream that I met Mother Teresa. She was in a sleeping bag at an orphanage and I gave her a hug and squeezed her arm in adoration. Her arm was real skinny.

In my dream, my fiance worked in Pac Sun. (He's a mechanic in real life so go figure.) Well, Mother Teresa went into Pac Sun to get some ROXY underwear. They were something Raquel Welch would have worn and were UGG inspired. They were all fuzzy, cute, and definitely sexy. Since my fiance was working, she was asking him to help her pick out the right pair for her. I think she was going someplace on a mission that was real cold.

I was so confused. On one hand, it's Mother Teresa, on the other hand it's Mother Teresa! My fiance is picking out sexy underwear with Mother Teresa. How am I supposed to feel about that?

Then I woke up, and was confused. It's now three hours later and I'm still confused. I feel so traumatized. My mind knows this didn't happen and it's really funny. ROXY doesn't even make that kind of underwear. Sheesh!

I was watching Oprah today, and she asked Jay Leno "When did you get your first laugh?" His response was "When I was four years old." After he told the story he made this comment "When you get a reaction from adults and you don't know why, but you know you got a reaction it sticks with you."

Immediately I remembered when I got my first laugh. I was five years old. I told my mother this joke, I don't even remember where I had heard it, but I thought it had a nice ring to it.

"Knock Knock"
My Mom said "Who's There?"
"Madam"
of course my Mom said "Madam who?"
I said "Ma dam foots caught in the door."

First my Mom was shocked, then she started laughing, then she said "Who told you that?" I was so happy after that I would tell it to every single adult I would see. I even told it to my teacher. She didn't laugh. She just looked shocked. Shocked was good enough for me. I never even knew what it meant, I just knew I got a reaction, a laugh, and sometimes they would even cover their mouth, so I kept telling it for years.

"World Vision, the Christian relief and development organization, has partnered with EMI Christian Music Group to offer the WOW Hits 2006 Double CD Set AT NO ADDITIONAL COST to anyone who gives a gift of $20 or more."

So you can do good and get a great CD. I have WOW Hits 2005 and it rocks. I'm gettin' me some 2006.

It's no secret that I am a Bush supporter. Me and W go way back. So I thought I would make some comments on The Presidents Video Teleconference with the US Troops from the 42nd Infantry Division, and one Iraqi Sargeant Major from 4th Iraqi Army Division.

I think it may have been somewhat scripted. But my guess would be that it was more like everyone was prepped. I'm sure that it was confusing with the delay you have with Satellite. There is a lag time that can make it confusing.

The President was obviously a bit nervous. And wouldn't you be? His approval rating is at an all time low. The media is always reporting with their liberal slant making him out to be a tyrant. This was his chance to prove them wrong. In my opinion he did save face. We are accomplishing a lot of things in Iraq. Saddam Hussein was the tyrant. Thank God he is out of there and things are getting better.

I was so glued to the TV while I was watching this. My favorite part was when when 4th Sergeant Major Akeel Shaker Nassir from the 4th Iraqi Army Division thanked the President and said "I like you" with his Iraqi accent, that was the most endearing.

I thought the teleconference was really sweet, and once again I was proud to be an American.

If you missed todays Video Teleconference you can view it or read the transcript here.

Whenever I go through something rough with another person, I like to make a joke out of it and make "It should have been a sign" lists. This list however, is not for myself.

This list is for all of the men out there who thought they were getting a woman and it turned out to be a man.

So your chick's a dude? Well, it should have been a sign when:

She had an adams apple
Her hands were as big as or bigger than yours
She had a five o'clock shadow
She was much prettier than the women you could ever date
She was very forward and flirtatious
She was too good to be true
She put too much emphasis on her appearance
She shaves her arms
She had giant feet to match her man hands
She had the best hair, ever
Hormone pills in the medicine cabinet

I know I am making a joke out of it, but I've seen some men devastated when they found out the beautiful flower that they were romancing had a stamen.

I've never been one for small talk. For some reason lately I've been prone to the old how are you? I never liked asking that question unless I want an honest answer.
I don't like to say words just to say them, they have to mean something.

Classic small talk: Hi, how are you? Fine thanks, and you? In Spanish: Hola, como esta? Bien, y tu? Blah blah blah it goes on and on. I think the best way to avoid the small talk rut is to give honest answers and ask honest questions. In a word, care.

Someone recognized me from my commercial today. OK, so it is someone I know and the commercial is only local. I've been sporadically trying to break into show business for as long as I can remember. Something has always come up and it didn't work out.

Once, I was cast on a show that was formerly called "The jury is in". We shot the pilot had lots of fun and planned our new lives. Too bad they wrote my part right out of the show. I was on the jury. They changed the name too. It is now called Judge Hatchett.

It's pretty exciting to finally get to do a commercial even if it is only at the local level. I can at least add it to my resume. I guess the reason most people never achieve their dreams is because we don't believe in ourselves enough to follow them.

I had a friend from Germany. When she found out I didn't believe in evolution, she decided that I was an idiot and an inferior human being. Our friendship deteriorated quickly after that. Even though evolution is only a theory based on no facts what so ever, she hates me because I believe the bible.

If you look at a snowflake, you must realize it wasn't caused by an explosion It was designed. Do you know of any explosion that caused order? I didn't think so.

I am half Polish, and my family had to change their last name in fear of Adolph Hitler. If he knew they were Polish he would have killed them in an oven, made slaves out of them, or used them for scientific experiments. Do you know why? Because in Hitler's opinion, we were more ape like and not as evolved as the pure Aryan race that he was breeding.

You see, Hitler was a believer in Evolution. Because of that theory us Poles and Jews were just animals. That way, he didn't feel guilty about the mass murder. If we are not people, then it is not a crime to kill us. When you believe the lie of evolution, slavery doesn't seem so bad. With that mentality you think you're doing them a favor, they are learning your "civilized" ways. You are actually gracing us less evolved "animals" with your presence. We are not really human after all, but more like apes.

I despise racism, in any way shape or form. God created us all equal. No one is better than the other. But, if you believe in evolution then you too may think some races are more "evolved" than others, and that my friends is simply not true. Lets be frank here, if you are racist, you feel another race is "inferior" to yours. Think about why you feel that way. What you find may surprise you.

For more information on creation as opposed to evolution I suggest you check out creationevidence.org Dr. Carl Baugh, the director is a brilliant scientist and creationist. He is truly fascinating in the way he teaches God's creation model. It's wise to get the facts before you make your decision on creation or evolution. Once you know the facts then you can draw your own informed conclusion.

So last night I guess I caught the encore presentation of Britney and Kevin's E! True Hollywood Story. I kept waiting for it to get interesting so I was flipping back and forth between that and Roseanne. It was the episode where Dan finds out David was living with Darlene in her apartment at School. I had already seen that episode multiple times so that should tell you how interesting Brit n' Kev's story was.

I guess my main complaint here is that the Media is shoving Kevin Federline down our throats. I don't find him interesting and I find Britney even less interesting because of her husband. Does the media think we are puppets who can't think for ourselves?

I was waiting for a hypnotist to flash on the screen and say that I was getting very sleepy and that Kevin Federline is an interesting person, and I will buy his record. Hey wait a second, I was getting very sleepy but I guess it didn't work because I still feel uninterested in Kevin Federline. But I sure am hungry for some Cheetos.

No really, it aint no joke. My Fiance' and I went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant to celabrate the 50th Post to my blog. I've decided to get on board Shai Coggins 1000 Posts Wannabe Club project. 51 posts down (including this one) and 949 to go. Woo hoo!

So I was watching Corwin's Quest yesterday, and I couldn't believe some of the things I was seeing. As I watched in Horror, I couldn't bring myself to change the channel. The episode is called "The Bear's Hunger" . Jeff Corwin is in Alaska tracking down a Kodiak Bear. As he gets close, he stumbles upon some bear dung. He pokes around it with a stick, and finds a fish bone in this bears poo. Jeff then proceeds to pick the bone out of the poo with his fingers. He sticks the bone in his pocket and calls it a toothpick! Can you say EWWW.

We then flash to The Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Jeff is eating a nice meal, and at the end you see that he has food stuck in his teeth. Jeff rips off his tuxedo stripper style and is wearing a wetsuit underneath. He then jumps into the ocean and lo and behold on the ocean floor is an oxygen tank. Jeff straps on the oxygen tank and swims around until he finds a Cleaner Shrimp. He makes the shrimp go into his mouth and clean his teeth. Suddenly that fish bone doesn't seem so gross. If this weren't appalling enough, after the cleaner shrimp crawls out of Jeff Corwins mouth, he puts it back in and makes it do it again!

At one point of the episode, we are spying on Proboscis Monkeys. Now I know where they found the inspiration for Alice the Goon on Popeye. I'm sitting there staring at this bizarre creatures nose, and I realize, the monkeys sword is out of its sheath! Where is censorship when you need it? It seems to me they should blur that section out of the video or not show it as such a close up. I'm sure when they were in the editing process somebody noticed it. They thought "hey, lets see if we can get this past the exec's without them noticing". I guess it worked.

The last thing that sticks out from this episode is when Jeff Corwin begins tracking the bear again. He is holding some scat in his hands saying "I know there is a bear close by, this is fresh and hot." I'm thinking "is he talking about a Dunkin' Donut Munchkin or a piece of bear dung"? He then opens his mouth and starts to put it inside, and then decides against it. It was at that point that I thought, maybe this isn't happening. Maybe I've just lost my mind. And then I realized it is happening, I'm completely sane and Jeff Corwin is just the Howard Stern of Animal Planet.

I'm going to do some major name dropping here, Tony Robbins, Robert "Rich Dad" and Kim Kiyosaki, Donald Trump , just to name a few will be at the Jacob Javits Center in NYC next weekend. In one weekend you can learn secrets of Real Estate wealth.

It will all go down on Saturday October 22, and Sunday October 23. Call 1-800-US-ANNEX or go online to register at LearningAnnex.com

I have to share this recipe. I was experimenting the other day and I struck gold. I call it Potato Heaven.

What you'll need:

8 Small Russet Potatoes
1 Teaspoon Fresh Rosemary
1 Tablespoon Fresh Cut Chives
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Tablespoon Fresh Grated Parmesan Cheese
2 Tablespoons Butter
1/2 to 1 Cup Sour Cream (I prefer 1/2, others prefer more)
3 Cloves Garlic (Minced)
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper to taste.

What you'll do:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees
Using a brush, lightly coat a medium sized baking dish with the Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Wash and cube the Potatoes. Leave the skins on.
Mince the Garlic
Put your potatoes and garlic into the baking dish.
Add your butter, salt,pepper,chives and rosemary
Mix the ingredients lightly
Grate your Parmesan Cheese on top
Bake Covered at 350 degrees for 45 minutes*

When you take them out of the oven, they should be very tender and slightly golden brown. Add in your sour cream and enjoy!

*Baking times may vary depending on the size of your potato cubes.

This morning it was raining like crazy. Taking a boat to work would have been more appropriate than driving. I'm going down that crazy ole road again were all the animals get killed, and I see the most pathetic sight. A groundhog, completely soaked, crawling across the road. Immediately a cliche' goes through my mind. Why did the groundhog cross the road? To get to higher ground! I didn't know groundhogs were so small when they are wet. From this point forward I will refer to him as "Hoggy".

Hoggy was coming straight at me. I wanted to stop and let him cross, but I didn't want to cause an accident. I love animals, but people are more important. PETA is going to be on my back for that comment.

Anyway, I decided I was going to train him. I train all the wild animals I encounter on the street. I slowed down so I wouldn't hit him, and started blaring my horn. He started back where he came from, then he got confused, and was coming toward traffic again. So I chased him back into the field with my horn. Whew, now he knows those big rolling things are scarier than your hole flooding.

My Mother has always been a lunatic. I say that in the nicest possible way. If you have read my previous posts, you may know she hasn't spoken to me in five years. Every now and then I would like to reminisce about her so that I can remember I still do have a Mom.

I was so thankful when In Living Color came out. Remember Jim Carrey as Fire Marshall Bill? My Mother would contort her face the way Jim Carrey would, except her lines were "I can't take it! I can't take it!" She would scream that and contort her face. After Jim Carrey was doing that schtick, when my Mother would freak out I would just start to laugh. Then she would do it more and say "You are making me crazy!" And I would laugh even harder because in my head I'd be thinking, "Making you? You already ARE!" Only in my head of course because I am somewhat respectful. However, I would then be roaring with laughter picturing her in a Firemans Hat. Well that would reduce her to tears and I would have to hug her, and tell her it was all my fault.

After Jim Carrey became even more popular, I then could say "ALLRIGHTY THEN!" When she would have her outbursts. She had no idea what I was doing.

One day my cousin Jenna was there when my Mom did the I can't take it bit. My cousin was in shock. After I said "Well allrighty then" Jenna started rolling on the floor saying she does look like Jim Carrey! From then on my Mothers secret nickname was Jim Scarrey.

Just a few days ago I was thinking, my life is all of a sudden running so smoothly. To me, that should be a red flag that I've become complacent. Whenever I make it through a crisis I come out better than I was before it started. I was thinking "Lord, I am very happy for the peace in my life, but does this mean nothing great is going to happen?" Crisis always occurs at the curve of change.

Becareful for what you wish for. The very next day adversity slapped me in the face. I'm taking it in stride. I am not going to complain and and I am going to pray for those who persecute me. I am maturing. What a surprise! Instead of plotting revenge, I am giving my problems to the Lord and letting him deal with them. It's pretty exciting. Just a few months ago I would rot for at least a day in self pity. I would dwell on things that bothered me. Today I'm not rotting for a minute. What a difference!

Dr. Mike Murdock says "You will not be promoted until you are overqualified for your present assignment." Does this mean I'm getting a promotion? ;)

OK, so remember when I said I was going to make me own job? (A little Aussie lingo there.) Well, my first attempt is going to be to fill out an application for Niki Taylors Begin Foundation for the Advancement of Women in Business. Through her website you can submit an idea for business, and if you are selected, the Begin Foundation will make it happen.

I'm going to submit my business idea, and if you are a woman and have a great idea for a business I suggest you submit it as well. I'm not afraid of a little competion. If my best is not good enough, someone else deserves it. You can go directly to nikitaylor.com and give it a try yourself. Click on Begin Foundation and then Launch the Submission Form.

First I had that Verizon fiasco, next I get a call from a customer who threatens to take legal action against the company I work for. (He's just having a bad day it's a long uninteresting story.)

Then Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are kaput? Katie Holmes is pregnant, and Lindsay Lohan totaled her Mercedes!

Is nothing sacred?

I have to rant here before I blow up! I hate Verizon. Last year, I was thinking about starting a business. I called Verizon to inquire about yellow pages advertising. I spoke to a lying cheat of a sales rep named Richard Cassanova.

Anyway, he took my information and said now we can verify that I have all of your information correct, and when you call me back after you start the business I will have everything ready.

I never started the business, and that guy tricked me and took me to third party verification. No one there will return my calls. He was let go about a month after this happened. I'm sure because he tricked other clients as well.

Now a collection agency says I owe them $1500 and I am so frustrated! They are accusing me of lying. I am telling the truth and to top it all off, they built a website without my permission with my work phone number as the contact number! I only found out about it because I was contacted by someone. So not only did they wrongly stick me with a $1500 bill, they put my job in jeopardy.

Don't ever call them asking any questions, you may unknowingly give up your first born. They will come to get it.

I am drawing this conclusion. Those pesky democrats are so opposed to President Bush's Social Security Reform they will do anything to get an "I told you so."

They are killing the elderly one tragedy at a time. First, there was the nursing home in Louisiana, then The Bus tragedy in Texas, and now it's a boat in upstate New York.

It's like they will do anything to keep the money in Social Security. I think planes are next.

On a serious note, what is happening here? It's just so sad that our precious elderly American people are dying so tragically.

I'm no redneck. I am quite the opposite. I've traveled the world. Lived in Italy and Hawaii but for some reason I keep coming back here to Pennsylvania. I guess I just need new material to write about.

I know this chick, (we are no longer friends but that is another story) her name is Chanin. I got to thinking about her because she had an experience last year on the same road that I watched a deer die last night .

It was four o'clock in the morning and she was coming home from work. Chanin was out of her car and in the field. She had left her trunk open, which caused some suspicion because the trunk light was on. As she puts it, "I should have closed my trunk but I was in a hurry."

A cop pulled over and was shining his flashlight into the field. Chanin is emerging from the darkness carrying a rag and an extension cord. Keep in mind, it's four o'clock in the morning on a weeknight.

The cop says "What is going on here?" Chanin red faced responds with "You're never going to believe this officer, but I was choking a possum." "You're right, I'm not going to believe that." was his response. "Well, before you think I'm totally crazy, let me explain." Said Chanin. She was real nervous so she started talking fast. "I was on my way home from work, and there was this possum. It had been hit by a car. It was dying a slow and painful death. I wanted to put it out of its misery."

"So, I had this rag and extension cord in my trunk and I grabbed them. I put the rag over his head and extension cord around his neck and drug him into the field. I didn't want him in the street to die without dignity. I wanted to get him off of the road where he could rest in peace. I knew he wouldn't live, and he was suffering so badly."

"I did start to think I made the wrong decision when that darn thing wouldn't die. Do you know how hard it is to choke a possum? Those suckers are tough. You're not going to give me a ticket are you?"

At this point the officer was laughing, and saying she was the craziest girl he had ever met and the story was so wild it had to be true. The policeman went out to the field and saw the dead possum and he knew Chanin was telling the truth. He let her off with a warning, "No more choking possum in the middle of the night ya hear?"

The end. Oh, and this is a TRUE story, I couldn't make this stuff up. I'm not that talented.

Last night I was on my way home from work, and I saw the most horrific sight. I saw a deer dying an agonizing death. It still brings tears to my eyes. It had been hit by a car, and was in shock. It was rolling back and forth with its neck stretched upwards for what seemed like a mile. I started freaking out, and my first instinct was to go run over it with my SUV. I didn't want to hurt it more, so I didn't. I just wanted to end the suffering.

I quickly called 911, and they put me through to the state police. I wanted them to come shoot the deer. About one mile ahead I saw the car. It wasn't smashed too badly. Everyone was OK, it was just a broken headlight.

I passed the deer again on my way back to work this morning. It was on the side of the road and beginning to bloat. Why didn't they call the game commissioner to pick up the carcass? I should have called my Dad, he would have come with his truck, shot it and taken it to the game commissioner.

My Dad can be quite the redneck. When him and my mother first split up all the screens in the house were out of the windows, and his shot guns were lined up right next to them. He was shooting groundhogs from inside the house! For the record, I don't condone shooting groundhogs for target practice. But you can't change the mind of someone on a mission to drown his sorrows and live like a bachelor. A bachelor redneck that is.

My Dad is not unusual. He is like many other of the people around here. So my question is, with all the dang rednecks around why does that poor deer have to rot on the side of the road? Someone could have fed their family for months with that meat.

Where the heck is a redneck when you need one?

I thought I would like to work for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. Until she made that comment on The Apprentice Martha Stewart last week. "If you cry you're out of here. Women in business don't cry." Ouch, I guess I just don't fit in.

I don't know why, but I cry so easily. It's annoying actually. I have a difficult time watching the news. I sit there in tears.

The funny thing is, if someone says something bad about me, it hardly affects me at all. I am very strong that way. I cry for others.

I'm a very loving person, so I'm thinking that is why I am so sensitive. I would prefer if I didn't tear up so much. I see a dead cat on the road, I cry. I think, that is somebody's pet and they are going to drive by and see it.

I'm very loyal and conscientious. I work very hard, and I'm good at business. I guess I have to make my own job.

Let the experiment begin.

I don't get it how guys can be so cheesey and think they are cool. It's incredibly lame when a dude stares and makes some corny comment.

You think that is going to get you any girls? You need to make a girl feel special. Anytime one of those cheeseballs pays me attention, I know they are skankin' on every chick in sight.

Here's a tip lameo's. You're creepy, shut your mouth. Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps his mouth shut.

I try. I really do. But it seems no matter what I do, I'm just not as stylish as I once was. I always try and carry a great bag. Even if I'm not dressed to kill, at least I have a killer bag. Or so I thought I did.

I went to the GAP last week, and bought what I thought was a cute bag. It's the canvas hobo sling. I didn't get a single compliment on it. But I was thinking, they're just not ready for this yet. I'm just ahead of the times.

And then it happened. Someone asked me if I was delivering newspapers. How sad. I'm not ahead of The Times, I'm delivering them.

In case you missed it, click on the black box and watch as Tom Cruise kills Oprah.

It's official. Summer is over. I can hear The Boys of Summer playing in the background in my head. I always have that Don Henley song in my head as I reminisce about the summers end. Today is the last day of Summer. Nobody on the road. Nobody on the beach. I feel it in the air. The summers out of reach...

Collective sigh.

Today I was watching an old rerun of The Cosby show. The episode was called "The Prom". I couldn't believe it when in walked Theo's friends and one of them was Adam Sandler! I'm a Sandman fan, I'll admit it. To see the pictures click here.

I didn't realize it was a recurring role. He appeared a few times throughout the 80's as Theo's friend Smitty.

I can't believe I'm going to say this. I absolutely adore Britney Spears' new fragrance. It reminds me of high school. You know, when you had all the best outfits, and you put a lot of effort into your appearance. When I smell it, it takes me back to that time.

This morning, I was repeatedly insulted. There was this woman, in her late fifties, maybe early sixties. She said "can I ask you a question about computers?" "My knowledge is limited. I am in sales, not technical assistance, but I'll do my best." Was my reply. She has AOL and wants to send an e-mail to someone that has an e-mail address with my company.

I kept telling her that I don't sell America Online and that it was a technical question for them. I'm not an idiot so I gave her my hypothesis on the situation. I gave my opinion because she kept pressing me with the question. She then proceeded to tell me she had been using computers her entire life. I guess she had been using the Internet for over 50 years too. What I was really thinking was, if you mean two tin cans and a string that doesn't really count.

My point is, I don't understand why people ask questions when they know it all anyway. She kept telling me, no, you are wrong. Even when she was asking questions in my area of expertise. (They had to do with the company I work for.)

I would have gotten upset about this if it had not been so sad. Next time someone offends you, try to look not at what they do to you. Look at them as who they are. They have to live with themselves daily. It's a moment of offense for us, versus the lifetime offense that is them. Sad but true.

I thought today was the day that Lil' Kim was supposed to go to prison. I haven't read any news about it. She was supposed to turn herself in to authorities on September 19, 2005.

I hope things go well for her as they did for Martha Stewart and she comes out of there a better and stronger person. We shall see in a year and a day when she gets out of there.

Listen up everyone! You can now get Martha Stewarts Poncho You can buy this cute and trendy poncho for yourself and best of all, all of the proceeds go to Hurricane Katrina Victims and women in need.

Go on with your bad self MDiddy.

Brittney Spears gives birth to a bouncing baby boy. I can hardly believe she gave him a normal name like Sean Preston Federline Spears. I thought she of all people would give him some whacked out celebrity baby name.

Lets all raise a Cheeto To baby Spederline Sean Preston! To see the family portrait click here.

Don't ask me why, but I got so offended. Recently, I called a friend of a friend. Basically I was relaying a message. This person that I was told to call, he didn't believe me. He said I was a lying.

I was so offended. That is so strange to me. Why would someone call me a liar? Why would I care what someone I didn't know had to say about me?

Then it dawned on me. God is perfect. He cannot lie, yet we as people doubt him every day. Now I know why without faith it is impossible to please God. If we don't have faith, are we calling God a liar? Are we saying that his word is not true? God is not a man that he should lie. I finally get that.

I wish I would have found this sooner, but better late than never right?

Federated Department Stores and The May Company will match your donations for Hurricane Katrina Victims up to a total of one million dollars.

To make a donation through Federated Department Stores and The May Company or for more information please click Here.

I'm so proud of Philadelphia. It really is The City of Brotherly Love.

Mayor John Street has really opened up the city to the Hurricane Katrina victims. It's called Project Brotherly Love. I've been watching the news for days as he has been pleading with the people to come here because "we want to help".

It just moves me the generosity that Philadelphia is showing. They converted the old Wanamaker school into a sort of holding area. There are cots, computer stations, tv's, pool tables, toys, clothes, our doctors and nurses were there to help, the list goes on and on. It's a beautiful thing.

I watched as city workers took evacuees on tours of the city to relax. They sent them on a trolley ride of the city. The city quickly rallied together and renovated apartments and condos.

It was so exciting to watch them go through the apartments with evacuees and say "who wants this one" and a man raised his hand and said I will take it, my wife will be along later. She is on dialysis.

Everyone was cheering as the housing was given out. The mayor said "We will find a way to help these people." I believe they will too.

I saw private citizens donate their rental units to the victims. That really is why we accumulate wealth isn't it? To help others. It is what truly makes you feel good. Not just to accumulate more stuff.

I later watched the local news, and one of the Evacuees was in a barber shop in Philly, receiving some much deserved pampering. Everyone sitting around the barber shop was talking story with him. It was really sweet. One thing that really stuck in my mind was when this dear gentleman said "I'm getting spoiled here. If this keeps up I'm not leaving!"

This is the same city I had ducked gunfire in the street more than ten years ago. I'm thrilled with the progress. There is a spirit of love in that city. Benjamin Franklin would be proud.

Just a few weeks ago, I was trying on shoes. I needed to choose between two colors. I had an idea that one color was better than the other, but I really couldn't tell because the lighting wasn't great and neither was the mirror.

The sales lady told me that both were so great and one color made me look so classy, while the other one looked perfect for my feet.

I believed her. She said she would give me a great price if I took them both. The price was good, but I only NEEDED one pair. I don't like to have excess.

I succumbed to the pressure and now have two pairs of shoes.

When I got home in front of a good mirror, I realized the white pair looked horrible on me.

That was when I realized I'd been sold. That was a lose, lose situation.

She may have sold two pairs of shoes that day, but lost all of my future business.

I have never been one to say black, white, brown, etc. in a negative way. I love all people. We are all different, and that is what makes us so special. If we all looked the same, how boring life would be.

God created us in His image. We were all created in His image. Last time I checked, all meant everybody.

It deeply saddens me the things people are saying on television. I was watching Oprah today, God bless her, and Lisa Ling made this comment in reference to Hurricane Katrina 'If this had happened in a more affluent white neighborhood would help have taken so long?' Or something very close to that.

Whoa! That just got me so angry. Why would someone use something as powerful as the Media at such a time as this to bring division to our country? Is there not enough racial tension? Right now we need to use our energy and resources to get help to the victims. Not promote division within a Country.

A house divided against itself quickly falls. Remember this Lisa Ling, Kanye West, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Matt Damon and all other imperfect anti American celebrities, "United we Stand, Divided we Fall"

Lets stand!

I have been wanting to write about the devastation of Hurricane Katrina for days now. I just didn't know exactly what to put into words. I found my words this morning.

I am going to let the media take care of all the horror reports and human interest stories. They have the first hand information.

What I would like to focus on is those of us that were not affected and are pointing fingers and laying blame.

I keep hearing people coming down on the President and our Federal Government for not doing enough, or not moving fast enough.

Here is what I have to say about that. Why should we as American Citizens count on the government? Why should we spend energy ranting and raving saying what other people should do when we can use the energy to help ourselves?

Instead of pointing fingers we need to get together and help any way we can. Americans are not just the government. We are the people of America. We are strong, resourceful, and generous.

Please don't say white people this and black people that. Don't play the victim. Play the victor and fight. If you cannot afford to give, do some fund raising. Donate something. Donate your time, your prayers, your talents, donate your resources and forget about what other people are or are not doing.

Before you criticize others, do something, anything and help. It's easy to sit on the couch and criticize. It just doesn't accomplish anything.

If you would like to make a donation you can do so at Convoy of Hope or The Salvation Army or perhaps you would like to use some of the creativity God gave you and come up with a way to donate all your own. Whatever way you donate, thank you.

Is it just me, or is talking on a cell phone in a public restroom completely offending?

Whenever someone is in a stall next to me on the phone, three things go through my head:

1. Who is this important person that you are talking to at this inopportune time?

2. Do they know you are on the toilet?

3. Can they hear me peeing?

How offensive. If you are in a restroom, please respect yourself, respect the person calling you, and most of all, respect the strangers with their pants down and don't answer the phone!

Sometimes in life if takes many years to see something so simple. I've been reading the word of God a lot lately, therefore I've been given some fine revelations.

Just the other day I was thinking "Why does everyone always want to sue me? I don't like trouble. As a matter of fact, I go to great lengths to avoid it. I treat others with respect, yet everyone always wants something from me. If I'm not in court, I'm being threatened with it. It's like SUE is my middle name." Then it dawned on me. That is my middle name! Oh snap. Thanks Mom.

This is narcissim getting out of control. Now, I am a fan of Kimura Lee Simmons. However, GODDESS is the name of her new perfume. Shoots, I couldn't promote my Ea du Parfum with a straight face. "Yes, I am a gorgeous woman, I am a GODDESS and for $49.50 you can pretend you are hot like me."

I am willing to bet that she didn't pick the name. Someone else stroked her ego until she was happy with the choice.

I really like her style and everything, but don't toot your horn so hard people get embarassed for you.

I don't like the smell of the perfume either, it sort of smells like urine and flowers. But, don't take my word for it go pee in a flowerbed and see for yourself.